Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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