Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
