I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
