explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
