you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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