Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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