so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize