the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My penis needs a shock collar
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
