you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
