i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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