i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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