I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize