I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
