i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
