FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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