He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
