Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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