We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
