The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I have tasted many bathrooms
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
