On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize