Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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