Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
