Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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