goodnight i made you a song goodbye
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
