i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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