cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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