ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize