So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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