I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
