Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
