So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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