She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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