Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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