No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
