even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize