I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
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