Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
