Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize