I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
