she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
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