dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
