did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
