I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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