youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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