you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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