Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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