Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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