It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
