just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
