Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
