im drinking this country out of the recession.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize