My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
