i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You pole danced in your parka.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
