my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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