you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
