I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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