He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
True strength comes from lack of pants
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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