The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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