someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
