The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
