hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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