I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
